i think i just let go
holy everything, it happened again
so at camp i found out that i absolutely adore betsy druary. she is so beautiful and such an amazing dancer. and hearing what she's been through in her life, it's so amazing. she taught us a variation that she had choreographed to "captivate us" by watermark and i fell in love with it. i really want to be able to perform it somewhere. it's incredibly powerful. it still touches me everytime i turn on the cd and start dancing to it. anyway, one night at creative worship we were supposed to write down something we needed to surrender to God, throw it away, then walk across "the bridge." there were company members and some of the couselors on the other side to pray with you if you needed prayer. so i normally never go up for prayer at times like that. honestly, the time i actually remember was when i was 5 and i accepted Christ as my Savior. but for some reason i knew i had to talk to betsy druary. so i walked up to her and spoke maybe one sentence to her. i didn't go into any details at all and i didn't even remotely mention half the thoughts that were running through my head. but when she prayed... God, when she prayed, it was the most powerful thing i had ever experienced. as she prayed over me she spoke so many things that i had never even mentioned to her but were definitely on my mind. honestly, that night God felt so close and so powerful. that prayer was like nothing i had ever experienced. it was absolutely amazing. afterward i sat back down and just started crying. i have no idea where the tears came from but they were just streaming down my face. after a few minutes betsy green came over and asked if someone prayed with me. when i told her yes she said "ok, then i'll just keep letting God work in you because whatever He's doing i know it's good." but she didn't leave right after that. she put her arm around me and just held me while i cried. seriously, it was such an amazing night. then the next day we were singing "dance with me" in chapel and it felt like what i had made my prayer the first week i was there was starting to come true. so that was my experience of camp. well, part of it. kinda a simplified version :)
then the past few weeks, i guess it's actually been a couple months now, i've been talking with stefanie about so many things in my life. the conversations have been some of the most serious and real and honest conversations i've ever had with someone. i have truly loved, ok maybe that's not quite the right word because there have been incredibly hard - hard things to tell, hard things to hear, challenging things - but i have truly loved every moment of them. and my relationship with God has come up in every conversation. it's like i've lost that relationship i once had. even what i felt at camp - it has felt so far away. and in all honesty, i haven't been sure if i really want that relationship with Him. i've been struggling with questions like why do i constantly get hit with one incredibly hard situation after another and why should i trust again when everytime it's broken and why would i want a relationship with God when i'm constantly hurt by the very people that claim to live that life. and really, it's stupid. stefanie told me once that i'm stronger than all of this. and especially with God, i'm stronger. and just a couple weeks ago she told me she knows from experience how miserable i am. God, i have been so miserable for so long. and i think it's been long enough. i was listening to matt redman's "facedown" cd on the way to stefanie's apartment last week and there are a couple of songs we sang at camp on it. it really hit me what i've been missing out on. and you know, i actually started thinking that i wanted my relationship with God back, but that's about as far as it went. i still hadn't made that decision to really come back and go after that passion i had once.
but friday night, goodness... ballet mag was here performing ruth and of course i was crazy excited. especially to see everyone and have the chance to say hi to betsy green since she actually knows me and she's just about the sweetest thing ever. the program was amazing. at one point in it there's a dance to "redeemer" by nicole c. mullen. that dance was so incredibly powerful. listening to the words and watching the dance - it sent chills up my spine. i just wanted to cry, i knew i wanted that relationship back. there's just no way i can go on like this. it's been slowly destroying me and i've let it control me for far too long. at that point i knew i needed to talk with one of the company members. i was hoping to talk to betsy druary just with everything that happened at camp but by time i got through the crowd of people at the end betsy druary was already talking and praying with someone so i went to say hi to betsy green. i ended up talking to betsy green about a ton of stuff. it was insane how long we talked. i didn't leave until almost 11:30. i told her about nutcracker and college and everything going on - all the small talk kind of stuff. then at one point she asked how my relationship with God has been since i've been back from camp and if i was still finding and spending time with Him since i've been home. and i'm standing there thinking, holy cow this is definitely what i wanted to talk to betsy druary about. so i started telling her about some of the things that have been going on and it was just amazing that i actually kinda opened up to her. i told her about making the chorus of "dance with me" my prayer at camp and how i thought it came true but feeling like i had lost that passion. after we had talked for awhile she asked if she could pray for me and wow - it totally happened again. there were just so many things that she prayed that were on my heart. sure, i actually told her some of it, but other things i had never told her - holy cow. just hearing her pray that i would know God is more than enough to heal and mend me and that there would be a passion ignited in me again - just so much about coming back to Him and trusting in Him and living for Him and truly experiencing spiritual healing. it was amazing. then she prayed for my hamstring and that it would be healed and that if it didn't heal before nutcracker that the pain would be eased and i would be able to make it through the nutcraker. the crazy thing is, it hasn't hurt since then. miss arnell even gave us an amazing stretch last night in pointe class and she pushed me incredibly hard. i actually like it when she pushes me that hard on things like that - it always feels amazing after she pushes me like that in a stretch. but my hamsting didn't hurt at all - it was incredible. ok, i woke up this morning to a throbbing ankle, not sure what's up with that, i didn't do anything to it last night but my hamstring doesn't hurt :) i've never experienced something like that before. sure i've heard stories, but it's crazy to think that it might've actually been healed right then and there. anyway, at the end of her prayer, betsy green started praying that i would dance for God's glory and not for the glory of anything in this world. and it really got me thinking about why i let things control me - other people, emotions, fears... so many things. i don't know why i let them control me but i don't want that anymore. the last day at camp when i had felt that my prayer had really come true, i felt such freedom dancing in my classes. it was an amazing feeling. i want that freedom back. not just in dance but in all of my life. yeah, i definitely want it dance because i know i want to dance for God. for such a long time - the times God has felt the closest - i've felt that i wanted to dance for Him. not professionally but more as a way of worship. i want to be able to dance in a church and let it speak and really minister to others. i know it can be powerful because i've watched it and been moved by it. and really, i want that so incredibly bad. it would be such an amazing adventure to be able to truly dance for God. but that freedom i felt in dancing and the passion i feel about using it as a way to worship and to minister to others - i want it to go past dance. i want to feel that freedom in every aspect of my life and i want a passion for God so strong that it not only shows through my dance but all of my life, in every little thing i do. i'm sick and tired of everything bringing me down and always being miserable and sad. i think it's time i started living again. enough of just trying to make it through, i want more than that.
then sunday night at genesis the message was about our kryptonite - the thing that takes life away from us, the thing that keeps your spiritual superhero locked inside, the thing that keeps you from being the person God wants you to be. at the beginning they had given everyone a chain with "kryptonite" on it, then before communion they asked you to take it off and put it in a container up front when you were ready to let it go and then receive communion. and you know, a month ago i don't think i would've wanted to give it up. i would've just kept it to myself, not wanting to risk laying it down - it just had such a hold on me. even that one night in the barbarian way - they had asked you to sign a banner if you wanted to commit to live the barbarian way and to truly follow after Christ. i knew then that i was being consumed by so much but i couldn't let it go, despite the fact that i didn't feel free or anything, but sunday night, it was so amazing to really know that i didn't want it anymore. i could totally see myself holding onto everything even two weeks ago. but i don't want it anymore. that night i could actually get up and lay it down. and i did. there was no hesitation or second thoughts. you know, there was freedom in just making the choice to give it up and really start moving forward.
"so long status quo
i think i just let go
You make me want to be brave
the way it always was
is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave"
and thus ends the longest journal post in all of history.
so at camp i found out that i absolutely adore betsy druary. she is so beautiful and such an amazing dancer. and hearing what she's been through in her life, it's so amazing. she taught us a variation that she had choreographed to "captivate us" by watermark and i fell in love with it. i really want to be able to perform it somewhere. it's incredibly powerful. it still touches me everytime i turn on the cd and start dancing to it. anyway, one night at creative worship we were supposed to write down something we needed to surrender to God, throw it away, then walk across "the bridge." there were company members and some of the couselors on the other side to pray with you if you needed prayer. so i normally never go up for prayer at times like that. honestly, the time i actually remember was when i was 5 and i accepted Christ as my Savior. but for some reason i knew i had to talk to betsy druary. so i walked up to her and spoke maybe one sentence to her. i didn't go into any details at all and i didn't even remotely mention half the thoughts that were running through my head. but when she prayed... God, when she prayed, it was the most powerful thing i had ever experienced. as she prayed over me she spoke so many things that i had never even mentioned to her but were definitely on my mind. honestly, that night God felt so close and so powerful. that prayer was like nothing i had ever experienced. it was absolutely amazing. afterward i sat back down and just started crying. i have no idea where the tears came from but they were just streaming down my face. after a few minutes betsy green came over and asked if someone prayed with me. when i told her yes she said "ok, then i'll just keep letting God work in you because whatever He's doing i know it's good." but she didn't leave right after that. she put her arm around me and just held me while i cried. seriously, it was such an amazing night. then the next day we were singing "dance with me" in chapel and it felt like what i had made my prayer the first week i was there was starting to come true. so that was my experience of camp. well, part of it. kinda a simplified version :)
then the past few weeks, i guess it's actually been a couple months now, i've been talking with stefanie about so many things in my life. the conversations have been some of the most serious and real and honest conversations i've ever had with someone. i have truly loved, ok maybe that's not quite the right word because there have been incredibly hard - hard things to tell, hard things to hear, challenging things - but i have truly loved every moment of them. and my relationship with God has come up in every conversation. it's like i've lost that relationship i once had. even what i felt at camp - it has felt so far away. and in all honesty, i haven't been sure if i really want that relationship with Him. i've been struggling with questions like why do i constantly get hit with one incredibly hard situation after another and why should i trust again when everytime it's broken and why would i want a relationship with God when i'm constantly hurt by the very people that claim to live that life. and really, it's stupid. stefanie told me once that i'm stronger than all of this. and especially with God, i'm stronger. and just a couple weeks ago she told me she knows from experience how miserable i am. God, i have been so miserable for so long. and i think it's been long enough. i was listening to matt redman's "facedown" cd on the way to stefanie's apartment last week and there are a couple of songs we sang at camp on it. it really hit me what i've been missing out on. and you know, i actually started thinking that i wanted my relationship with God back, but that's about as far as it went. i still hadn't made that decision to really come back and go after that passion i had once.
but friday night, goodness... ballet mag was here performing ruth and of course i was crazy excited. especially to see everyone and have the chance to say hi to betsy green since she actually knows me and she's just about the sweetest thing ever. the program was amazing. at one point in it there's a dance to "redeemer" by nicole c. mullen. that dance was so incredibly powerful. listening to the words and watching the dance - it sent chills up my spine. i just wanted to cry, i knew i wanted that relationship back. there's just no way i can go on like this. it's been slowly destroying me and i've let it control me for far too long. at that point i knew i needed to talk with one of the company members. i was hoping to talk to betsy druary just with everything that happened at camp but by time i got through the crowd of people at the end betsy druary was already talking and praying with someone so i went to say hi to betsy green. i ended up talking to betsy green about a ton of stuff. it was insane how long we talked. i didn't leave until almost 11:30. i told her about nutcracker and college and everything going on - all the small talk kind of stuff. then at one point she asked how my relationship with God has been since i've been back from camp and if i was still finding and spending time with Him since i've been home. and i'm standing there thinking, holy cow this is definitely what i wanted to talk to betsy druary about. so i started telling her about some of the things that have been going on and it was just amazing that i actually kinda opened up to her. i told her about making the chorus of "dance with me" my prayer at camp and how i thought it came true but feeling like i had lost that passion. after we had talked for awhile she asked if she could pray for me and wow - it totally happened again. there were just so many things that she prayed that were on my heart. sure, i actually told her some of it, but other things i had never told her - holy cow. just hearing her pray that i would know God is more than enough to heal and mend me and that there would be a passion ignited in me again - just so much about coming back to Him and trusting in Him and living for Him and truly experiencing spiritual healing. it was amazing. then she prayed for my hamstring and that it would be healed and that if it didn't heal before nutcracker that the pain would be eased and i would be able to make it through the nutcraker. the crazy thing is, it hasn't hurt since then. miss arnell even gave us an amazing stretch last night in pointe class and she pushed me incredibly hard. i actually like it when she pushes me that hard on things like that - it always feels amazing after she pushes me like that in a stretch. but my hamsting didn't hurt at all - it was incredible. ok, i woke up this morning to a throbbing ankle, not sure what's up with that, i didn't do anything to it last night but my hamstring doesn't hurt :) i've never experienced something like that before. sure i've heard stories, but it's crazy to think that it might've actually been healed right then and there. anyway, at the end of her prayer, betsy green started praying that i would dance for God's glory and not for the glory of anything in this world. and it really got me thinking about why i let things control me - other people, emotions, fears... so many things. i don't know why i let them control me but i don't want that anymore. the last day at camp when i had felt that my prayer had really come true, i felt such freedom dancing in my classes. it was an amazing feeling. i want that freedom back. not just in dance but in all of my life. yeah, i definitely want it dance because i know i want to dance for God. for such a long time - the times God has felt the closest - i've felt that i wanted to dance for Him. not professionally but more as a way of worship. i want to be able to dance in a church and let it speak and really minister to others. i know it can be powerful because i've watched it and been moved by it. and really, i want that so incredibly bad. it would be such an amazing adventure to be able to truly dance for God. but that freedom i felt in dancing and the passion i feel about using it as a way to worship and to minister to others - i want it to go past dance. i want to feel that freedom in every aspect of my life and i want a passion for God so strong that it not only shows through my dance but all of my life, in every little thing i do. i'm sick and tired of everything bringing me down and always being miserable and sad. i think it's time i started living again. enough of just trying to make it through, i want more than that.
then sunday night at genesis the message was about our kryptonite - the thing that takes life away from us, the thing that keeps your spiritual superhero locked inside, the thing that keeps you from being the person God wants you to be. at the beginning they had given everyone a chain with "kryptonite" on it, then before communion they asked you to take it off and put it in a container up front when you were ready to let it go and then receive communion. and you know, a month ago i don't think i would've wanted to give it up. i would've just kept it to myself, not wanting to risk laying it down - it just had such a hold on me. even that one night in the barbarian way - they had asked you to sign a banner if you wanted to commit to live the barbarian way and to truly follow after Christ. i knew then that i was being consumed by so much but i couldn't let it go, despite the fact that i didn't feel free or anything, but sunday night, it was so amazing to really know that i didn't want it anymore. i could totally see myself holding onto everything even two weeks ago. but i don't want it anymore. that night i could actually get up and lay it down. and i did. there was no hesitation or second thoughts. you know, there was freedom in just making the choice to give it up and really start moving forward.
"so long status quo
i think i just let go
You make me want to be brave
the way it always was
is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave"
and thus ends the longest journal post in all of history.
posted by Ruth Marie at 9:02 PM
1 Comments:
so much of what you said, I can completely relate to. I know what you mean when you say that there are things you didn't want to let go of, but knew that you had to. that's something I've struggled with over the past few years, and still do struggle with from time to time. the past is powerful sometimes, and hard to move beyond once it becomes so much a part of who are you. I also know what you mean when you say that you feel as if you've lost the relationship you had with God during the summer. there are many times when I've wanted to go back to the summer between 10th and 11th grade. that's the last time I've felt like things were as they should be, ya know? and yet, while I can pinpoint why that is, I can't seem to find my way back to that point. everytime I feel like I've found it again, I seem to lose it so quickly. and it's never quite the same. college has definitely made long even more for that freedom. and I also know what you mean about being miserable for so long. I haven't been hurt that badly by people, but by certain situations and my own mistakes. and it's hard to get out of that point! it really is.
"i just wanted to cry, i knew i wanted that relationship back. there's just no way i can go on like this. it's been slowly destroying me and i've let it control me for far too long." just reading that made me want to cry! I can think of a situation in my own life that made me feel the same way...wow, how I'd love to go back to that moment!
it seems like you've had a lot of tough moments; more than I could even imagine. but it also seems like God's given you many amazing moments and many amazing people to help see you through. I pray that God will bring you back to that comfort, freedom, and security that you felt this summer at camp. it sounds like it was an amazing experience! <3 love always
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