here comes the rain again
christmas was actually good this year. i haven't really enjoyed christmas since the last christmas at aunt rose's. but this year things were different. it felt like there was hope again. i'm sure renee calling christmas eve definitely made a difference. it totally made my day. and she actually talked to my mom which was amazing. i'm so glad she called.
the day after christmas was hard. it's always hard. but this year it was disaster. i used to spend the day after christmas with becca. every year. i've slowly become used to not having her around. but i sill miss her. every day. so it's always hard. but then my uncle called and told us that my aunt died that afternoon. she hadn't left the couch for a week and half and the doctors finally had her come in for tests and her heart stopped during the catscan. so many things have been running through my head since then. and they're just sitting there. driving my insane. i still can't believe she's really gone. what i wouldn't give to hear that southern accent one more time. to go back to christmas day and beg my uncle to let me talk to her.
and i haven't slept well all this week. i haven't fallen asleep before one any night this week and i constantly wake up. just staring at the ceiling. so i'm exhausted. and it sucks.
we leave for south carolina on sunday. in some ways i'm glad we're going. one thing i get to see my cousins. it's always nice to see them. i can treat jack like my brother. and it's always great to hang out with becca since we're only nine months apart. but then there's the fact that we'll be there for a funeral. we'll be there to say goodbye. but it won't really be goodbye. i can never seem to say goodbye. it'll still hurt. and i'll still want to cry for days after. just like every single day this week.
i need to finish packing since i won't be home much tomorrow. i have this skirt i was going to wear to the funeral. i love the skirt. but i'm not sure i want to wear it. if i do i'll have to pin it so it doesn't fall off of me. and that will just bring about another conversation of how small i am. i just know it will. there's been a lot of those conversations lately. and they're always awkward. but maybe no one will notice. maybe they'll be too caught up in the craziness of the funeral and everything that comes along with these kind of things to notice and bring it up. or maybe i should just forget the skirt.
and also with going to south carolina i'm going to miss so many things. yeah, i want to be there but... i have to cancel my plans with erin. i changed my hair appointment today. i most likely won't be able to go out to dinner with emma and amanda. and i still have their christmas presents. i probably won't see emma again before she heads back to school. i won't be able to spend time with erika. i was supposed to take the advanced non-syllaby class next wednesday at dance. attican is coming in to teach that class. it would've been amazing. i was looking forward to that class like none other. that's not going to happen either.
but there have been moments that have helped me through this week. i was told i was beautiful twice this week. i've always been told i'm cute. but not beautiful. then there was a phone call from nebraska. i wasn't sure she would call me back. i'm bummed i missed the call. but the message meant a lot. and conversations with a friend in new york. yesterday i went out to breakfast with stef. and not one of the thoughts and questions running through my head came out. it was mostly spent in silence. and i'm sorry for that. but when she hugged me before i left, i just wanted to break down right there in her arms. but i couldn't let it all go. if i did i would've been sobbing. but her not letting go - it meant the world to me at that moment.
then there's this painting. it's just waiting to be hung up. and goodness it's the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i can't believe my parents bought it for me. it's huge. and it's an original. and it was crazy expensive... well, it was on sale but still. the detail is amazing. everything from the perfect pointe shoes and the perfect pointed foot to the old beat up pair of pointe shoes in the corner to the tape holding the floor together. god, it's perfect. after i found it and my mom saw my face she said she wasn't letting me get married unless my eyes glittered when i looked at the guy. she's never seen my eyes light up like that. she also said she couldn't remember the last time she had seen me smile that big. and neither can i.
the day after christmas was hard. it's always hard. but this year it was disaster. i used to spend the day after christmas with becca. every year. i've slowly become used to not having her around. but i sill miss her. every day. so it's always hard. but then my uncle called and told us that my aunt died that afternoon. she hadn't left the couch for a week and half and the doctors finally had her come in for tests and her heart stopped during the catscan. so many things have been running through my head since then. and they're just sitting there. driving my insane. i still can't believe she's really gone. what i wouldn't give to hear that southern accent one more time. to go back to christmas day and beg my uncle to let me talk to her.
and i haven't slept well all this week. i haven't fallen asleep before one any night this week and i constantly wake up. just staring at the ceiling. so i'm exhausted. and it sucks.
we leave for south carolina on sunday. in some ways i'm glad we're going. one thing i get to see my cousins. it's always nice to see them. i can treat jack like my brother. and it's always great to hang out with becca since we're only nine months apart. but then there's the fact that we'll be there for a funeral. we'll be there to say goodbye. but it won't really be goodbye. i can never seem to say goodbye. it'll still hurt. and i'll still want to cry for days after. just like every single day this week.
i need to finish packing since i won't be home much tomorrow. i have this skirt i was going to wear to the funeral. i love the skirt. but i'm not sure i want to wear it. if i do i'll have to pin it so it doesn't fall off of me. and that will just bring about another conversation of how small i am. i just know it will. there's been a lot of those conversations lately. and they're always awkward. but maybe no one will notice. maybe they'll be too caught up in the craziness of the funeral and everything that comes along with these kind of things to notice and bring it up. or maybe i should just forget the skirt.
and also with going to south carolina i'm going to miss so many things. yeah, i want to be there but... i have to cancel my plans with erin. i changed my hair appointment today. i most likely won't be able to go out to dinner with emma and amanda. and i still have their christmas presents. i probably won't see emma again before she heads back to school. i won't be able to spend time with erika. i was supposed to take the advanced non-syllaby class next wednesday at dance. attican is coming in to teach that class. it would've been amazing. i was looking forward to that class like none other. that's not going to happen either.
but there have been moments that have helped me through this week. i was told i was beautiful twice this week. i've always been told i'm cute. but not beautiful. then there was a phone call from nebraska. i wasn't sure she would call me back. i'm bummed i missed the call. but the message meant a lot. and conversations with a friend in new york. yesterday i went out to breakfast with stef. and not one of the thoughts and questions running through my head came out. it was mostly spent in silence. and i'm sorry for that. but when she hugged me before i left, i just wanted to break down right there in her arms. but i couldn't let it all go. if i did i would've been sobbing. but her not letting go - it meant the world to me at that moment.
then there's this painting. it's just waiting to be hung up. and goodness it's the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i can't believe my parents bought it for me. it's huge. and it's an original. and it was crazy expensive... well, it was on sale but still. the detail is amazing. everything from the perfect pointe shoes and the perfect pointed foot to the old beat up pair of pointe shoes in the corner to the tape holding the floor together. god, it's perfect. after i found it and my mom saw my face she said she wasn't letting me get married unless my eyes glittered when i looked at the guy. she's never seen my eyes light up like that. she also said she couldn't remember the last time she had seen me smile that big. and neither can i.
posted by Ruth Marie at 9:49 PM
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