how much of God do you want?

that's something betsy green had asked more than once at camp. how much of God do you want? and she brought it up again last time i saw her. what i wouldn't give to go back to that night and really talk to her one on one again. goodness i love that girl. seriously she is most definitely the sweetest person you will ever meet. but her question has had me thinking lately.

how much of God do i want? do i want Him to have complete control over every area of my life?

wanting a relationship with God, wanting to have that passion and freedom back - it starts with a choice. a choice of saying "God, i want you in my life, i want more of you." but it doesn't end there. He wants total control of your life. and not in a bad way, but so that He can mend, soften, and heal you and make you the person He intented you to be. but in order for Him to do that, you have to be willing to let Him have complete control over your life. and that's hard to do. i've been finding that out more and more these past couple weeks. to be healed i have to acknowledge things i have hidden for years. and i have really felt a lot of those things since that night that i talked and prayed with betsy green. and they're things that are hard to feel and hard to acknowledge because i haven't wanted to feel or acknowledge them in so long. and it hurts like mad. it would be so easy to just crawl back up into my shell and refuse to feel, becoming numb to everything again. but what kind of life is that? it will get me nowhere except farther from where i want to be. and i don't want that. i want to live. i want that freedom and passion back. but am i willing to go through the hurt to get back to that point? how much of God do i want?

what can be more valuable than the kingdom of God? how much would you gladly sell in pursuit of this most priceless, inestimable, and incalculable treasure? how much is it worth to you?

how much of God do you want?

things that made me smile today

"i got your cards today - the picture of grover is on my wall, as are the loverly black and white pics - thank you so much! just wanted to say that today it was cold and rainy and i used my umbrella - remember when noah broke his umbrella...yeah - i think we've started an italy memory trip..."

"yesterday i got a card from a friend at home - she sends me cards a lot and i really like them. this one included a picture that she had colored for me while working in MOPS last friday. it is hanging on my wall. she also sent some pictures from when i was home last time. some of them were in black and white and were very cute. i cut them into fun shapes and put them on my wall as well."

"i love RUTH!!! i am seriously so excited to see you when i come home...you never told me if you were coming to the game or not...you HAFTA!!! but otherwise keep your friday nite free cuz we're going out to dinner for my BDAY!!!...i think...hopfully...that's the plan!"

"how's it going ruth? It is so fun that you are at eastern! I was looking at the classes you are taking and I had major flashback. I remember all those classes at good old emu! Let me know how things are going and if you should need to talk to someone who has been through it at emu let me know!!!"

how i love messages from friends :)

also - 100% on my geography exam. i have no idea how that happened. but it's definitely awesome. and a 95% on my speech exam. although the day kinda fell apart after that.

hey remember me?

so i've realized that things have been really lonely. i have tried to keep in touch and get together with so many people, people who i was always close to - and nothing works out. i've been trying to get together with one particular friend for so long now. we were supposed to hang out thursday night because we were both free, but then the day of she tells me she's babysitting. so then it was going to be saturday. then she was going to come to genesis with me sunday but ended up wanting to do something with a friend she didn't get to see on saturday. i haven't seen her since vbs - in june. it's seems like i've been forgotten. especially by one of my closest friends. it kinda means a lot. and it kinda hurts. greg left me a message on facebook and it almost made me cry. "RUUUUUUUUUUUTH my dear ruth!!!!!!! How are you these days? Oh I miss you terribly. I was having many memories flood my mind of spanish class and Italy soooooooo much from italy here's some: Long walks from venice to our hotel after having gotten a gelato with me and you and Chris, and then having a turrencial downpour on us while we try to get home. coming into your mansion of a room hahahaha...and just all of the little resteraunts that we ate at and all of the vendors and churchs that we went to. The roses that don't have thornes. and the gondola ride even though it was kabillgillion degrees below zero ahhaha. K, I just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing and what you were up to and how you like college! and I will talk to ya later." yeah, i definitely miss him. and so many other people.

oh yeah, and the speech that i just got back today - it was on mesothelioma, the kind of cancer aunt lori has. i wanted to do it on that topic since it's so rare and i really know nothing about it. i'm kinda regretting that i did it though. "the median survival is approzimately one year from diagnosis and has not improved over the past two decades." that's encouraging. it will be a year in march. i'm kinda scared...

happiness =)

ah!!!! i got an A on my history exam. yay!!! and aaron now thinks i'm a genius or something. it was a history test. i like u.s. history. well, i also had mr. schmidt for a teacher =) i totally give him the credit for how well i'm doing in my history class and next semester should be all the more amazing since i still have my notes from 11th grade. and i got an A on my informative speech. amazing. especially nice since it was worth 20% of our grade. "outstanding research, very credible and recent...perfect outline...great preview...excellent citing...a very solid speech - bravo!" thank you stacy =) now if only i can pull of an A on my persuasive speech. 25% of our grade. ah...

so this past weekend i pretty much did homework. went to the library on friday to get books for my research paper. i don't really want to analyze children's novels. it takes all the fun out of them. but i finished one of them at nutcracker practice and i'll probably start the other one tonight. i just need to find sources about them and actually write the paper... within the next two and a half weeks. but it's only four pages. although i'm really gonna work hard on getting things done on it this week and weekend. it's worth a third of our grade so an A would be very nice. it would totally be amazing if that happens. which reminds me, i did the first discussion thing for the online part of my lit class and i didn't even read what he posted. i pretty much just wrote the essay i wrote on our midterm with a little more details. his response - "well done." sweetness! i can live with that considering i didn't read a word of it. but back to this weekend... i read most of saturday. sunday i went to church in the morning. not really sure what went on there. i was only there for service and i was back in the sound booth with my dad. it was rather funny. "i'm scotty and i'm loud." "turn donna down... she is down, she's off." then nutcracker practice. it seemed incredibly short. i actually got out early. we only have two more practices... er, three including the dress rehearsal. how crazy is that?? i actually can't wait til the performances. but i'm gonna be sad when it's over. then i went to genesis after practice. hung out with catherine and a bunch of people at coney afterwards. ah, hot fudge sundaes... amazing. then i spent all yesterday finishing up all the rest of my homework... crazy amounts of studying for geography. africa has too many countries in it. but i think i actually did ok on the exam. i hope i did. then pointe class last night... we did a barre then ran through snow and flowers for katie. it seemed so short. and we all decorated the studio for miss jean's birthday. it's on saturday. we're having a cake and everything at nutcracker practice on sunday.

freedom to dance

so yesterday in my lit class we were talking about picture books. our professor pulled out "where the wild things are" and i was so close to just bursting out in laughter. it made me think of ap english. and greg dancing around the room. ah, good times. i miss greg. i haven't seen him in forever.

also, i think i'm insane. i had registered for classes last week and got into all the classes i wanted on the days i wanted. it was awesome. so i have government, u.s. history from 1877 to the present, a lit class (the reading of fiction), math for elementary teachers 2, and an honors phychology class. nice 15 credit schedule. then i decided yesterday that i wanted to take an online course too. so now i'm taking a second lit class - the reading of drama. 18 credits. holy crap. hopefully i won't die this semester. but then again... if i can do 18 credit hours each semester, i could finish my degree in 4 years. that would be without a minor in dance though, and i think i really want to add a minor in dance. but i'd still be able to get my major done in 4 years which would incredibly amazing since it's 139 hours. i already knocked it down to 132 because of ap credit and an english waiver for english 121. if i add a minor in dance i think i might be able to get it done in 4 and half years. that'd be pretty amazing too. then it's on to a master's degree... ah, so much to figure out.

i also need babysitting and tutoring jobs. ok, i don't really need them but they would be nice. cuz i've determined i can't have a summer job. it would drive me nuts. i LOVE to travel over my summers... mission trips, camp, vacations w/ family. that's why i want babysitting and tutoring jobs. i could kinda work it around my schedule. i think i need to talk to mrs. huntsman about tutoring at pca next year. or maybe i should just work my butt off at school during the year and spend the summers doing what i love. because really, i don't need to work to get through school. i have more than enough to make it straight through my masters. it's incredibly amazing. i never realized how blessed i am. my grandparents were really looking out for me.

then my dance classes this week have been so good. miss arnell had made out pointe class pretty hard on monday but i really enjoyed it. "you know, there's only two people in here that never complain. katie and ruth. it's the ones that don't complain that truly love it." ah, that made me smile, because i really do love it. ok, for awhile i didn't enjoy it like i should. but i've been so happy to dance this week. then on wednesday i actually had a really good class. miss arnell pushed me on my adage at the barre which was exciting because it's one of my favorite combinations and the second time we did it, ah it was so beautiful. but we skipped the adage in the center =( and i adore adages. they're slow and challenging and make you focus so much. most people don't like adages, but i really do adore them. yeah, i'm just weird like that. also on wednesday night - my pirouettes were amazing! miss arnell was very excited. turns are not exactly my strong point but my pirouettes were actually really strong on wednesday. i've gotten so many compliments from miss arnell this week at dance. the way i've been dancing this week, it reminded me of camp and the freedom i felt in that last day of classes. and i absolutely love it! i was listening to jason upton on the way to eastern yesterday and there's one song that the chorus says "God is saying freedom to dance, freedom to sing, freedom to grow, i'm telling you pharaoh let God's people go." and really it's like the longing i've had to really dance is finally being satisfied. God is saying freedom to dance - that's totally what i've felt for a long time. i felt it while i was in puerto rico, i felt it at the end of dance camp and i'm finally hearing and feeling that again. and it makes me wonder why i ignored it for so long. i keep thinking about what betsy green prayed, that i would dance to glorify God and not for the glory of anything else in this world. goodness, there's so much freedom in that. it's amazing.

i think i just let go

holy everything, it happened again

so at camp i found out that i absolutely adore betsy druary. she is so beautiful and such an amazing dancer. and hearing what she's been through in her life, it's so amazing. she taught us a variation that she had choreographed to "captivate us" by watermark and i fell in love with it. i really want to be able to perform it somewhere. it's incredibly powerful. it still touches me everytime i turn on the cd and start dancing to it. anyway, one night at creative worship we were supposed to write down something we needed to surrender to God, throw it away, then walk across "the bridge." there were company members and some of the couselors on the other side to pray with you if you needed prayer. so i normally never go up for prayer at times like that. honestly, the time i actually remember was when i was 5 and i accepted Christ as my Savior. but for some reason i knew i had to talk to betsy druary. so i walked up to her and spoke maybe one sentence to her. i didn't go into any details at all and i didn't even remotely mention half the thoughts that were running through my head. but when she prayed... God, when she prayed, it was the most powerful thing i had ever experienced. as she prayed over me she spoke so many things that i had never even mentioned to her but were definitely on my mind. honestly, that night God felt so close and so powerful. that prayer was like nothing i had ever experienced. it was absolutely amazing. afterward i sat back down and just started crying. i have no idea where the tears came from but they were just streaming down my face. after a few minutes betsy green came over and asked if someone prayed with me. when i told her yes she said "ok, then i'll just keep letting God work in you because whatever He's doing i know it's good." but she didn't leave right after that. she put her arm around me and just held me while i cried. seriously, it was such an amazing night. then the next day we were singing "dance with me" in chapel and it felt like what i had made my prayer the first week i was there was starting to come true. so that was my experience of camp. well, part of it. kinda a simplified version :)

then the past few weeks, i guess it's actually been a couple months now, i've been talking with stefanie about so many things in my life. the conversations have been some of the most serious and real and honest conversations i've ever had with someone. i have truly loved, ok maybe that's not quite the right word because there have been incredibly hard - hard things to tell, hard things to hear, challenging things - but i have truly loved every moment of them. and my relationship with God has come up in every conversation. it's like i've lost that relationship i once had. even what i felt at camp - it has felt so far away. and in all honesty, i haven't been sure if i really want that relationship with Him. i've been struggling with questions like why do i constantly get hit with one incredibly hard situation after another and why should i trust again when everytime it's broken and why would i want a relationship with God when i'm constantly hurt by the very people that claim to live that life. and really, it's stupid. stefanie told me once that i'm stronger than all of this. and especially with God, i'm stronger. and just a couple weeks ago she told me she knows from experience how miserable i am. God, i have been so miserable for so long. and i think it's been long enough. i was listening to matt redman's "facedown" cd on the way to stefanie's apartment last week and there are a couple of songs we sang at camp on it. it really hit me what i've been missing out on. and you know, i actually started thinking that i wanted my relationship with God back, but that's about as far as it went. i still hadn't made that decision to really come back and go after that passion i had once.

but friday night, goodness... ballet mag was here performing ruth and of course i was crazy excited. especially to see everyone and have the chance to say hi to betsy green since she actually knows me and she's just about the sweetest thing ever. the program was amazing. at one point in it there's a dance to "redeemer" by nicole c. mullen. that dance was so incredibly powerful. listening to the words and watching the dance - it sent chills up my spine. i just wanted to cry, i knew i wanted that relationship back. there's just no way i can go on like this. it's been slowly destroying me and i've let it control me for far too long. at that point i knew i needed to talk with one of the company members. i was hoping to talk to betsy druary just with everything that happened at camp but by time i got through the crowd of people at the end betsy druary was already talking and praying with someone so i went to say hi to betsy green. i ended up talking to betsy green about a ton of stuff. it was insane how long we talked. i didn't leave until almost 11:30. i told her about nutcracker and college and everything going on - all the small talk kind of stuff. then at one point she asked how my relationship with God has been since i've been back from camp and if i was still finding and spending time with Him since i've been home. and i'm standing there thinking, holy cow this is definitely what i wanted to talk to betsy druary about. so i started telling her about some of the things that have been going on and it was just amazing that i actually kinda opened up to her. i told her about making the chorus of "dance with me" my prayer at camp and how i thought it came true but feeling like i had lost that passion. after we had talked for awhile she asked if she could pray for me and wow - it totally happened again. there were just so many things that she prayed that were on my heart. sure, i actually told her some of it, but other things i had never told her - holy cow. just hearing her pray that i would know God is more than enough to heal and mend me and that there would be a passion ignited in me again - just so much about coming back to Him and trusting in Him and living for Him and truly experiencing spiritual healing. it was amazing. then she prayed for my hamstring and that it would be healed and that if it didn't heal before nutcracker that the pain would be eased and i would be able to make it through the nutcraker. the crazy thing is, it hasn't hurt since then. miss arnell even gave us an amazing stretch last night in pointe class and she pushed me incredibly hard. i actually like it when she pushes me that hard on things like that - it always feels amazing after she pushes me like that in a stretch. but my hamsting didn't hurt at all - it was incredible. ok, i woke up this morning to a throbbing ankle, not sure what's up with that, i didn't do anything to it last night but my hamstring doesn't hurt :) i've never experienced something like that before. sure i've heard stories, but it's crazy to think that it might've actually been healed right then and there. anyway, at the end of her prayer, betsy green started praying that i would dance for God's glory and not for the glory of anything in this world. and it really got me thinking about why i let things control me - other people, emotions, fears... so many things. i don't know why i let them control me but i don't want that anymore. the last day at camp when i had felt that my prayer had really come true, i felt such freedom dancing in my classes. it was an amazing feeling. i want that freedom back. not just in dance but in all of my life. yeah, i definitely want it dance because i know i want to dance for God. for such a long time - the times God has felt the closest - i've felt that i wanted to dance for Him. not professionally but more as a way of worship. i want to be able to dance in a church and let it speak and really minister to others. i know it can be powerful because i've watched it and been moved by it. and really, i want that so incredibly bad. it would be such an amazing adventure to be able to truly dance for God. but that freedom i felt in dancing and the passion i feel about using it as a way to worship and to minister to others - i want it to go past dance. i want to feel that freedom in every aspect of my life and i want a passion for God so strong that it not only shows through my dance but all of my life, in every little thing i do. i'm sick and tired of everything bringing me down and always being miserable and sad. i think it's time i started living again. enough of just trying to make it through, i want more than that.

then sunday night at genesis the message was about our kryptonite - the thing that takes life away from us, the thing that keeps your spiritual superhero locked inside, the thing that keeps you from being the person God wants you to be. at the beginning they had given everyone a chain with "kryptonite" on it, then before communion they asked you to take it off and put it in a container up front when you were ready to let it go and then receive communion. and you know, a month ago i don't think i would've wanted to give it up. i would've just kept it to myself, not wanting to risk laying it down - it just had such a hold on me. even that one night in the barbarian way - they had asked you to sign a banner if you wanted to commit to live the barbarian way and to truly follow after Christ. i knew then that i was being consumed by so much but i couldn't let it go, despite the fact that i didn't feel free or anything, but sunday night, it was so amazing to really know that i didn't want it anymore. i could totally see myself holding onto everything even two weeks ago. but i don't want it anymore. that night i could actually get up and lay it down. and i did. there was no hesitation or second thoughts. you know, there was freedom in just making the choice to give it up and really start moving forward.

"so long status quo
i think i just let go
You make me want to be brave
the way it always was
is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave"

and thus ends the longest journal post in all of history.

dance with me

many songs will fade away
few things will remain
melodies and harmonies will change
melodies and harmonies will change
but i'm hearing a new song
but i'm hearing a new song

i'm beginning to hear the angels cry holy
oh love song of God, rise in me
i'm surrounded by You here in Your glory
oh love song of God, rise in me

i wanna be romanced by the King of the ages
i don't want to sing of a passion i've never known
i wanna get lost in the beauty of Jesus
and dance through the night around Your throne

so dance with me
so dance with me