sunday morning at trinity the sermon talked about finding our inner rhythm. this statement really bothered me - "we are searching for an inner rhythm, a balance that will safeguard us from the extremes we see all around us." he went on to talk about how we see the signs of personal dissonance in family discord, substance abuse, divorce, depression, suicide, purposelessness, fatigue, unrest, discontent, obsessive attention to work or to personal appearance all around us and how to find the "safe place" from these things. why are we constantly told we should stay in a safe place? how do you grow if you stay in your "safeguard"? are we afraid to get out hands dirty? what if someone stayed in their "safeguard" and didn't reach out to us? what if stefanie didn't come down to my level and into my life when i was angry and bitter and didn't want anything to do with the church and God? where would i be? what if that person didn't walk into your life? where would you be? what about elisabeth elliot who went back to the very tribe that killed her husband? she left her "safeguard," she got her hands dirty, she risked everything, her very life but she made a difference. people were saved. are we too afraid to risk ourselves to gain another soul for heaven? are we going to leave others in darkness just so we can be "safe" from the situations around us?

"Jesus did not suffer and die so that we could build havens for ourselves, but so that we might expand the kingdom of His love... our redemption will only come if we find the courage to escape the prison we have created for ourselves. risking everything to live free is our only hope... we have forgotten that there is a kingdom of darkness stealing the hopes and dreams and souls of a humanity without God... His purpose was to save us NOT from pain and suffering but from meaningless... the barbarian way is about love expressed through SACRIFICE and servanthood... instead of finding confidence to live as we should regardless of our circumstances, we have used it as justification to choose the path of least resistance, least difficulty, least sacrifice... is it possible that the transforming power of the church has been lost because we keep inviting people to step into the comfort, safety, and security of Jesus Christ?... we need to stop wasting our time and stop being afraid of what we cannot see and do not know... freedom is a return NOT to paradise lost but to a promised land we must win... A WORLD WITHOUT GOD CANNOT WAIT FOR US TO CHOOSE THE SAFE PATH." - the barbarian way

isn't that what life should be about? isn't that what we've been called to do? so why are we told to find a "safeguard"? why are we told to find that "inner rhythm" and told to keep ourselves safe from the problems of a hurting world around us? and why is it the church, Christ's body, that's telling us to keep safe and not get our hands dirty?

"the choice is yours. do you really want to get dirty and get in the gutter, or do you want to play it safe and keep clean?"

and i say goodbye to this hurricane of fucking lies

i'm done. no more being consumed by sadness and all the hard things in life. no more letting the chains hold me back from my dreams. no more letting my brokeness keeping me where i am. my pain and brokeness doesn't mean becoming useless. it's a chance to learn. and to grow. and pull closer to God, not farther. i'm done letting satan win. i don't want that life anymore. while at aunt lori's funeral i got a chance to really talk to one of her closest friends, dana. she talked about how 'depressed' wasn't a word in my aunt's vocabulary. and hearing dana talk about how my aunt never let the fact that there was a very large chance that she wouldn't make it through and beat the cancer, she was still able to remain joyful and be herself. and really, if she can still have joy in the midst of all the crap she had to go through in the past 10 months... what have i been doing here just letting things bring me down? there's so much out there i've missed. there's so many dreams i have that i've put on hold and even questioned just because they weren't what others thought i should do. there's so much good out there and in my life that i've refused to acknowledge, that i haven't been able to see. but i'm done. i want this to be my life. i want to work with kids. i want to dance. more than just for myself. but for God. to worship Him and no one else. i'm done trying to live the way others want my life to be. i'm going after my dreams with all the passion within me. and i am so excited to see what could come from it. i'm done being defeated. i'm finished with all the lies. it's like kristin hill said. "fight or be killed." it's time i stand up and begin to fight.

i am a voice yet waiting to be heard

sometimes i really just wish someone would see my dreams. and think they're worth something. and actually believe in them. and in me.

it seems that everytime i tell someone i'm going into elementary ed they tell me i'm crazy for wanting that. i get looks of 'why?' i'm constantly told by kaitlin that it's 'stupid.' that i'm taking 'stupid classes.' she constantly puts down my major and makes fun of it. a lot of people do when they hear about math for elementary teachers and learning how to add. but if that's what it takes to teach... i know i'm called to do this. i know it's what i want and love to do. i had a little girl run into my arms last night and give me a huge hug. she actually started crying when her mom took her from me so they could go home. and i just met this little girl that night. this isn't the first kid i've had not want to leave. not only do i see kids love being around me, but they inspire me. i'm always learning lessons from them. and really, i'm a kid at heart. a five year old trapped in an 18 year olds body. why can't you see that this is what i want? why can't you just support this without thinking i'm crazy?

and i constantly have people telling me that i'm taking too many credits this semester. that 18 credits is going to kill me. that i won't be able to handle it. and you know, i actually started to believe them. but i want this to work. it's only six classes people. and most of them are ones i had a choice in. i picked to take them. somewhat. and yeah i'm going to have to work. but i enjoy that. i enjoy the challenge. if i'm not challenged i'm miserable. 4th grade. i came home in tears everyday because it felt like i was repeating third grade. i absolutely hated it. there was no challenge. at all. and i knew when i registered for this semester that i could do this. and it excites me that i can actually accomplish this. finish 18 credits in one semester. finish freshman year with 37 credits. 4o if you count the english waiver. yet i'm constantly told i can't do it. don't you know that i can do this if i put my mind to it? won't you just believe in me?

and i've been told i look great by so many people. that college agrees with me. and i feel great. but i'm constantly told by my dad that i'm 'too skinny.' usually right after someone tells me how great i look. what do you expect? i walk across campus about five times a day. 4 out of 5 of my classes on camus are in the same building are in the same building but on all different floors. none of them the first floor. and you don't use the elevators in pray harrold. you just don't. unless you want to risk getting stuck. so i'm constantly walking up and down flights of stairs. why should it matter? how come when everyone else thinks i look great, he can't see it? why does he always have to take away that happiness right after i get a compliment?

i want to minor in dance. i want to dance in a church. i want it to be a ministy. i would love a group of girls to teach and create dances to reach out to people of all ages. take it to the streets. to various churches. worship services. to pour my heart and passion into dancing for Him and only Him. i'd even think about teaching at a studio. then i'm told i should minor in music instead. because i 'can do more with it.' my dad talks of having a cd. he keeps bringing up things that i can do. more concerts and so many other things. i don't frickin' want that. i don't want to have a cd. i'm not that talented. that 's not where my passion is. i don't want a life in music. i don't want to give it up... goodness i'm in love with my piano. i don't know what i would do without it. but i don't my life to be in music. i don't want to minor in it. i don't want a cd. i don't want to have tours and play for people all the time. i don't want to teach it. i don't want that. you do. i want to be with kids. i want to give them that foundation that they'll keep with them for the rest of their lives. i want to show them how much an education is worth. i want to learn so much more from them than i could ever teach them. i want to dance. i want to choreograph dances that point to Him. i want to dance as a way of worship. not just as a performace. i want to reach people through that. why can't you acknowledge my dreams? why can't you believe in them? why can't you support them? why can't i be myself?

i know who i am and who i'm supposed to be. but i'm constantly told that i'm insane. that my dreams are stupid. that i can't do it. that i should be someone else. that i should be what everyone else wants me to be. anything but myself. and i'm so sick of it. i want someone to see what i see. i want someone to believe in me. i want someone to believe in my dreams. i want someone to think they're worth something. that i'm worth something. i want to be myself. and not be put down or pushed aside because of it. i want someone to believe in ME. not who they think i should be or who they want me to me.

why can't you just support me? why can't you just believe in me?

i miss you

i miss the farm. i miss being with my cousins. i miss swing dancing with uncle paul and everyone watching and cheering. i miss my aunt's mom because she is amazing. she thought uncle paul and i were adorable while we were dancing. and she promised that the next time i come visit she would find someone that had a horse that i could ride around the farm since they don't have their horses anymore. and really she's just an amazing lady. i miss hearing everyone say how good i look and that college sits well with me. or something like that. but of course my dad kinda bursted that bubble afterwards. i miss my aunt and uncle's closest friends, dana and ray. ray was awesome and dana was so sweet. she totally reminds me of miss koppin. i miss my aunt. big surprise. at the funeral the pastor read something she had written about her baptism. it was amazing. i have this necklace that she gave me in 8th grade. when i was baptized. i rarely take it off. it's the small red cross. i used to wear it a lot but this past year i wore it practically everyday. i remember when my mom made me take it off because i was breaking out from the chain it used to be on. stupid allergies. i actually almost cried when she made me take it off. but now it's on a new chain. nickel free :) and it hasn't left my neck. it's means so much more now. after hearing how much her baptism meant to her. 'she always said she would never forget her baptism.' and with her gone it seems i've been holding on tighter to that necklace more than ever. and it still gets me. that the very thing that cured her cancer 18 years ago is the thing that caused her to die now. i was told to be glad i had an extra year with her even though she was in and out of the hospital and how hard the year was. and really, i am glad she was around. she made it to my graduation. it meant the world to me. the last picture i have of the two of us is at my graduation. and i was given the most meaningful graduation gifts from her. she framed my graduation announcement, diploma, and tassels. dana told me she was there when aunt lori picked out the borders for them. it was like dana knew me so well and i had never met her until this past week. then i was given a check from my grandparents estate. it was almost impossible to keep my mouth from dropping open. it's enough to pay for an entire semester of college, if i didn't have any scholarships, and a year of dance classes. and that grand piano sitting in my living room - that's because of her too. it was supposed to go to one of the grandchildren. and it was the only thing i wanted. it was my grandma's. i had my first 'piano lesson' on it. and no offense to becca and jack, but i was the closest to grandma. the two of them always went to grandpa. most kids went to grandpa. i was one of the few that constantly went to grandma. aunt lori somehow settled the whole piano and organ thing. she's the very reason i have my grandma's piano. that paino has been my love since i've had it. i wouldn't trade it for anything. then there's the little things. like cards in the mail. and editing my papers. and i'll always miss that southern accent.

blessings in disguise

"one of the things i have discovered through being broken is that after brokenness we can experience God's greatest blessings. after brokenness, our lives can be the most fruitful and have the most purpose. the dawn after a very dark and storm-wreaked night is glorious. feeling joy again after a period of intense mourning can be ecstatic. a blessing can come in the wake of being broken. but this blessing comes only if we experience brokenness fully and confront why it is that God has allowed us to be broken. if we allow God to do his complete work in us, blessing will follow brokenness." - charles stanley