here comes the rain again

christmas was actually good this year. i haven't really enjoyed christmas since the last christmas at aunt rose's. but this year things were different. it felt like there was hope again. i'm sure renee calling christmas eve definitely made a difference. it totally made my day. and she actually talked to my mom which was amazing. i'm so glad she called.

the day after christmas was hard. it's always hard. but this year it was disaster. i used to spend the day after christmas with becca. every year. i've slowly become used to not having her around. but i sill miss her. every day. so it's always hard. but then my uncle called and told us that my aunt died that afternoon. she hadn't left the couch for a week and half and the doctors finally had her come in for tests and her heart stopped during the catscan. so many things have been running through my head since then. and they're just sitting there. driving my insane. i still can't believe she's really gone. what i wouldn't give to hear that southern accent one more time. to go back to christmas day and beg my uncle to let me talk to her.

and i haven't slept well all this week. i haven't fallen asleep before one any night this week and i constantly wake up. just staring at the ceiling. so i'm exhausted. and it sucks.

we leave for south carolina on sunday. in some ways i'm glad we're going. one thing i get to see my cousins. it's always nice to see them. i can treat jack like my brother. and it's always great to hang out with becca since we're only nine months apart. but then there's the fact that we'll be there for a funeral. we'll be there to say goodbye. but it won't really be goodbye. i can never seem to say goodbye. it'll still hurt. and i'll still want to cry for days after. just like every single day this week.

i need to finish packing since i won't be home much tomorrow. i have this skirt i was going to wear to the funeral. i love the skirt. but i'm not sure i want to wear it. if i do i'll have to pin it so it doesn't fall off of me. and that will just bring about another conversation of how small i am. i just know it will. there's been a lot of those conversations lately. and they're always awkward. but maybe no one will notice. maybe they'll be too caught up in the craziness of the funeral and everything that comes along with these kind of things to notice and bring it up. or maybe i should just forget the skirt.

and also with going to south carolina i'm going to miss so many things. yeah, i want to be there but... i have to cancel my plans with erin. i changed my hair appointment today. i most likely won't be able to go out to dinner with emma and amanda. and i still have their christmas presents. i probably won't see emma again before she heads back to school. i won't be able to spend time with erika. i was supposed to take the advanced non-syllaby class next wednesday at dance. attican is coming in to teach that class. it would've been amazing. i was looking forward to that class like none other. that's not going to happen either.

but there have been moments that have helped me through this week. i was told i was beautiful twice this week. i've always been told i'm cute. but not beautiful. then there was a phone call from nebraska. i wasn't sure she would call me back. i'm bummed i missed the call. but the message meant a lot. and conversations with a friend in new york. yesterday i went out to breakfast with stef. and not one of the thoughts and questions running through my head came out. it was mostly spent in silence. and i'm sorry for that. but when she hugged me before i left, i just wanted to break down right there in her arms. but i couldn't let it all go. if i did i would've been sobbing. but her not letting go - it meant the world to me at that moment.

then there's this painting. it's just waiting to be hung up. and goodness it's the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i can't believe my parents bought it for me. it's huge. and it's an original. and it was crazy expensive... well, it was on sale but still. the detail is amazing. everything from the perfect pointe shoes and the perfect pointed foot to the old beat up pair of pointe shoes in the corner to the tape holding the floor together. god, it's perfect. after i found it and my mom saw my face she said she wasn't letting me get married unless my eyes glittered when i looked at the guy. she's never seen my eyes light up like that. she also said she couldn't remember the last time she had seen me smile that big. and neither can i.

i can't believe you're gone

oh what i wouldn't give to just break down and cry in someone's arms right now

holy everything!

renee called this morning!! wow. that completely made my day.

i used to know the sound of a smile in your voice

last night was so incredibly amazing. it felt so good to just hang out with my friends again and genuinely have a good time. i actually had fun and really felt happy. lots of pictures - fun pictures with black and white film. i can't wait to finish the role and get them developed. then i can actually finish emma's and amanda's christmas gifts. emma bought me a poster of pointe shoes. it's amazing. i adore it. and amanda bought me a bunch of little things - care bear slippers, lime green gloves, fun kleenex, lime green knee high socks that are amazing. i love my friends. then we made hot chocolate and played apples to apples. paul and ross tried to get me to have a snowball fight with them. i was pretty close to actually going out with them. i love emma's brothers. it's been a long time since i've had that much fun and really enjoyed myself. last night was good.

today would've been becca's 19th birthday. it's hard. and my dad woke up pissed this morning. that was cool. not. our roof is still leaking. then i went shopping with my mom. she actually bought me books and a sweater that is amazingly cute :) and i got a new pair of jeans too. then we stopped by the cafe and my mom had lunch and i had coffee. i'm kinda surprised stef didn't bring something up while we were there but i was ok with that.

oh yeah, working at mops on friday - goodness i love working with kids. and when i hear that the kids will talk about me at home and actually like me, it's amazing. then i got a christmas gift from the moms at mops. lots of food - cookies, trial mix, chocolate, gift card to crackerbarrel... because that's not more appropriate.

"i am the son of a..."

i was listening to green day on the way to eastern today and it really made me sad. i miss lauryn. my siamese twin connected at the brain. don't ask. there's just so many memories. all the days going out to lunch. the loud drunk bird. elevator music. chemistry. goodness just so many memories. and then i remember all our plans and what we're going to miss. moving in together. traveling to germany together to see the alps. yeah, i'm still kinda mad and still really hurt but i miss her. i miss pictures like that. i miss my best friend.

i'm in love with arabian

nutcracker was this weekend. oh my goodness, i miss it already. the floor on one side of the stage was extremely slippery every night and it really sucked. a lot of people fell during the dress rehearsal and almost everyone slipped in that spot in one of the performances. but all in all it was good. i actually stuck my ponche both nights in arabian, not all the other girls were able to. and i didn't hurt myself majorly. ok, i have a burn on my toe from rubbing it on the floor but that's nothing new. i always end up doing that when i'm in bare feet or close to it. but i was sorta nervous that i would pull my hamstring again or something. but no injuries :) and the timing in arabian is crazy especially when you're on the end and everyone else is behind you. in some ways it would be a lot easier if it was a solo. then they videotaped it this afternoon and oh my goodness, when i went up to the front at one part in arabian the camera was like two feet away. that was entertaining. but amazingly my feet don't hurt at all. i'm actually really sad that it's over. it was a lot of fun this year. and i'm in love with arabian. it's so my kind of dance - it's so like 'let's see how long you can sit in the splits and how much you can twist your body' and i love the challenging flexibility in it. i think i'm going to beg miss arnell to let me have arabian next year again and i think she'll let me. seriously, i'm so sad it's over.

crazy things have been going on at my house the past couple days. our furnance broke yesterday so our house was very cold. clarenceville felt very warm compared to my house. and our roof is leaking again. like the roof we replaced this summer so it wouldn't leak. then my dad had to run sound at church this morning. i like it when he runs sound cuz then i get to hang out behind the sound board with him and help. but someone had called the other day while he was at work and asked if he could help clean up the communion stuff after the second service. so he calls the guy back to tell him he can't do it since we weren't staying for the second service because of nutcracker and he's told that he's already on the schedule to do it even though he never agreed to it. my dad wasn't too happy about that. and now my neighbor is rather annoyed. ok more like pissed over some stupid accident while my dad was chopping ice off the roof. and it kinda sucks. he's always treated me like one of his grandkids, i mean i basically grew up with them. his oldest grandkid is a year younger than me and all through elementary school whenever she was next door we would hang out. it's so strange that he completely flipped out. and so all this has kinda put my dad in a bad mood and that's never fun. i just hope something happens and things get back to normal.

lauryn imed me the other day. she might be coming home like june or july. i may not be able to see her while she's home. i'm still hoping to go to camp for 4 weeks this summer, and i think i'll be able to, so that's all of july. then becca (my cousin) is graduating this year so we're going down to florida for part of june for her graduation and all that fun stuff. not that i'm complaining about goind to florida or camp. i absolutely adore it at camp and it's florida - always nice for a tan :) but there's a chance i won't be around while lauryn is home. i'm not sure how i feel about that yet.

one day of classes and exams and then the semester is over. wow. how exciting is that?

"He couldn't give it, and he couldn't receive it either. Maybe that's worse; not letting ourselves be loved because we are too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose."

"No." He shook his head. "No."

His father looked up. "I'm real sorry, boy."

"No!" Jess was yelling now. "I don't believe you. You're lying to me!" He looked around again wildly for someone to agree. But they all had their heads down except May Belle, whose eyes were wide with terror. But, Leslie, what if you die?

"No," he said straight at May Belle. "It's a lie. Leslie ain't dead." He turned around and ran out the door, letting the screen down sharply against the house. He ran down the gravel to the main road and then started running west away from Washington and Millsburg - and the old Perkins place. An approaching car beeped and swerved and beeped again, but he hardly noticed.

Leslie - dead - girl friend - rope - broke - fell - you - you - you. The words exploded in his head like corn against the sides of the popper. God - dead - you - Leslie - dead - you. He ran until he was stumbling but he kept on, afraid to stop. Knowing somehow that running was the only thing that could keep Leslie from being dead. It was up to him. He had to keep going...

...He was awake, jerked suddenly into consciousness in the black stillness of the house. He sat up, stiff and shivering, although he was fully dressed from his windbreaker down to his sneakers. He could hear the breathing of the little girls in the next bed, strangely loud and uneven in the quiet. Some dream must have awakened him, but he could not remember it. He could only remember the mood of dread it had brought with it. Through the curtainless window he could see the lopsided moon with hundreds of starts dancing in bight attendance.

It came into his mind that someone had told him that Leslie was dead. But he knew now that that had been part of the dreadful dream. Leslie could not die any more than he himself could die. But the words turned over uneasily in his mind like leaves stirred up by a cold wind...

...You think it's so great to die and make everyone cry and carry on. Well, it ain't...

...But Leslie had failed him. She went and died just when he needed her the most. She went and left him...

...She had made him leave his old self behind and come into her world, and then before he was really at home in it but too late to go back, she had left him stranded there - like an astronaut wandering about on the moon. Alone.

- Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

it's so... insane how much i was able to relate to that novel - even going to sleep with all my clothes still on and waking up to in the middle of the night thinking the night before had been a dream. yeah, it wasn't. wow. i still think it's a depressing book for children but i'm glad i read it. i understand what jess is going through.

i miss sharcy!

"ah, i cannot be getting sick. not with nutcracker only a week away and a crazy long practice this weekend. crap. curled up with my cat and some hot chocolate and a book. leave one and i'll smile."

"aww ruth, don't worry... chocolate makes everything better! =)"

haha, thanks sharcy =)